In late November I sat on my closet floor praying. There were tears, of course, because I cry easily and I was just so desperate to hear from God. I was struggling with what to do and how to move forward and I needed clear direction. If 2018 was anything for me, it was the year of finding freedom. September, in particular, was the month where much of that healing finally happened and it left me asking the question, what now?! Now that I was free of lies and finally found the answer to my four-year question of WHO AM I, I just needed to know what to do next.
God was so gracious to answer me gently and He spoke to my heart right there on that closet floor:
Be an artist.
It wasn’t really shocking, this Be An Artist directive. After all, I love creating and decorating and painting and making. I’ve always loved these things. I have even built a business around doing and sharing and teaching my favorite creative endeavors. But that’s not what He said. He didn’t say, DO art. He said BE an artist. As much as I love doing art, teaching art, admiring art, I have never truly identified as an artist. Artistic, sure. Creative, yes. But in a million years I would never introduce myself as Emily, the artist. And I think that was the problem.
Deep, deep down in the truest part of me, I am an artist. I always have been. But instead of living confidently in that, I’ve tried to be other things and pushed the artist part way down. Being an artist felt silly, unimportant, less-than. What really mattered, especially in this online business that I run, was consistency and growth and strategy. And all of that – while super important for running a business – became who I was trying to be and the work I was trying to do and, honestly, it just wasn’t working. Not only was I not good at it, but it was starting to burn me out. I became cynical, tired, uninspired, done.
That’s the thing: when you are not being who you are made to be, it drains the life right out of you.
To be totally fair to the situation, I had my husband and business partner who is very clearly the entrepreneur/growth/strategy person right by my side. I didn’t really need to try to be the business-y person I was trying to be, but I felt like its what everyone wanted from me and expected from me and the right thing to do and I’ll do anything in my power to not disappoint. So I played the part – or at least tried to – and there’s been this gnawing tension that I couldn’t resolve ever since. My answer to this persistent tension, unfortunately, was throw it all away! which is clearly not the right answer. I’m so good at swinging the pendulum far and wide and this was just another example of it. Which lead me to that morning in November, crying on my closet floor asking for God to please, please, please help me figure this thing out.
Be an artist, He said.
It was so clear and concise and I had no desire to ignore or dismiss it. I just wanted to obey. So I pulled out my watercolors and started a new painting.
This is where I’d love to say that my heart was instantly at peace because FINALLY, I was living into my true identity!
But instead, this is what happened:
I was almost finished with the flower bouquet I was painting and stopped for a second to run upstairs. What for I can’t remember but what I do remember is thinking to myself as I climbed the stairs, that painting is terrible. I’m not an artist. I don’t even know what I’m doing. How quickly I had forgotten what God said of me! A few minutes later when I came back downstairs, Ryan was looking at the painting and showered me with compliments. This painting is amazing! How did you do that?!
The contrast was not lost on me.
I could choose to be hard on myself, to compare, set unrealistic expectations and give up OR I could live into the identity God gave me, listen to positive voices from people who love and care about me and just keep trying. This whole ‘renewing your mind’ thing is real, my friends. What voice would I listen to? The one telling me I was terrible? Or the one saying, “this is who you are, now be it.”
I worked a little more on the flower painting and when I shared it, the response was so kind. It helped boost my confidence. I did a couple more paintings in December, but it was a busy month and you know how that goes.
So at the end of the month when this idea popped into my head about doing a daily sketch each day in 2019, it felt like the right next step. It would mean I was walking in obedience to be an artist. It would mean I would be practicing art every day and surely would improve. It would mean I could build up more confidence to create illustrations for the books I will write someday. It would challenge me to look beyond the camera for capturing beauty in the every day and go an extra step to paint it.
And so the daily sketches began.
I’m using the hashtag #thisismydailyart on instagram to categorize the paintings. It always makes me smile when I think about this song I grew up on. This painting practice feels a little like daily bread. It feels like sustenance for my soul that is coming from the Lord. It’s an act of worship, this living into my true identity thing. It’s an act of trust and obedience and while it’s vulnerable and risky, it feels like the very best and most joyful thing I can do.
I am sharing the sketches each day on Instagram partially for accountability and partially because part of being an artist is sharing that art with the world. You can see them all right here.
Those daily posts mean that my Instagram account looks different than it has in the past. From a professional standpoint, that feels terrifying. Anytime you stray even slightly from what you’ve been doing, the chances of losing followers are good. But, I remain sure that this direction for me is right and I’m so grateful for the sweet comments and encouragement I have received since the beginning.
And here’s my encouragement for you:
Trust in who God made you uniquely to be. Then be it.
If you are not quite sure who you are, oh, friend, this is the greatest work you can do. Ask Him, pay attention to your dreams and little girl aspirations, look for what makes you excited, motivated, energized. You will find her. You really will.
It is the beginning of Nov 2019 and I am just getting around to reading the email that was attached to this blog post. I have an email problem. But the email caught my interest and I ventured to your blog and I have to say Bravo. Good for you for taking time out for your gift.
Your art is beautiful. I am headed to your insta # to see more. Keep it up (I hope you have). I am going to share a link with someone who I think needs to hear this right about now.
Thank you
You seem like a lovely person!
Hi Emily,
A friend of mine just moved to Gig Harbor. She discovered your blog and quickly sent it to me. I think God created us out of
the same batch of cookie dough. I was so inspired by your art & other giftedness (baking, family, teaching) I had to send you
a little “yay you!” comment.
I have struggled with calling myself an artist as well but finally realized it would be untrue to say otherwise and just thank God
he has given me a hand that can express what the heart/soul/mind has to say in images.
I look forward to following you on instagram. Check out beacon_street_art on ig.
Kim
PS website not kept up
Kim Hapke!!!! I was just directed to Emily’s website, by 2 people in one day!! The first thing I said to myself when I saw her work was “ oh my goodness! This reminds me so much of Kim’s work!! Not until i have spent hours looking through her work did I realize that I think they live about a mile from my Sara and her family who just moved to Gig Harbor!! I think the boys may go to the same school! Very small world it is between watercolor and Jesus!!!!
Wow! I’ve been asking the Lord the same thing! I am an artist that is so afraid to trust in the process! And I read this story and just knew!!! THEN I SAW YOUR COMMENT, KIM!!!! How amazing is God!!!??? This is Kristin Petosa and I was just talking to Jon and Kathy about trying to find you since we are in Spokane. I would love to see you!
Emily, thank you for sharing this story. God is working on me and my acceptance of what he has called me to do. Oops I mean who he made me to be. I tried the link above to Instagram and it didn’t work. It went to a blank Jones Design Company page.
Thanks again for being you and sharing your story!
Hey Emily – Just wanted to say I am an Enneagram 9 (and I think you are too?). I can relate so closely to how you see yourself. I am my own worst critic by far! I am in the middle of my own identity crisis and I am in tears just about everyday. I have a strong faith in God and I pray for direction from Him. I love to art and wanted to be a graphic designer when I graduated high school. I chickened out and went the accounting direction because I didn’t think I was good enough to be an ‘artist’. Your story rings so very true to the depths of my soul. I pray God will help me with direction in the coming months to find my ‘place’ in this world and to use my creativity to help others and to make a living for myself. It is so true when you said if you aren’t doing what God made you to do, you are constantly drained! Thanks for sharing your story…I love your blog and watercolor art so much – you are a TRUE BLESSING to me and I am sure to so many others as well!
Emily
I did not come across you, out of the blue one day by chance, I truly believe it was God directive.
After viewing friends post one day, you suddenly appeared. It was a post of you painting a sweet pot with flowers. Now I don’t consider myself an artist, but I do dabble. I started at that moment to follow you.
I loved your sincere simplicity. I began to read more of your blog and the basis if your book.. . You were speaking to my heart in so many ways.
In a 30 year career that has taken me to complete burn out and a sense of hopelessness. Praying daily to God to show me who I am.
I like you, have always wanted to explore my painting further and dreamed of one day making something out of it.
With all this said, I continue to pray for clear direction, and while waiting for that answer I continue to follow you and be inspired to not give up. You are a true gift and blessing from the Lord. Keep up this beautiful work of inspiration to others!
I do really relate to all that you’re saying here! I had this string urge to start drawing and painting when I turned 60. Now 65. It brings so much peace ( and frustration too) . I love that God has given me this gift of joy. I followed you on IG and have bought 3 of your books. @art.after.60
Emily, I am a grandmother who loves painting your sweet art books! Thank you for following who God said you were! What peace follows!! I’m a retired nurse who volunteers, reads, and paints with water colors! Have a wonderful day, my talented friend!
Oh Emily, thank you for sharing this beautiful story! How like our good and perfect God speaks to our hearts so tenderly…. With such love! 🥰
I am sitting here crying- this is hitting home and is completely in line with other work that I have been doing for about 3 years now– amazing- this post was supposed to be read by me today…. thank you
Yes, asking God who I am supposed to be. Thank you for your encouragement