In late November I sat on my closet floor praying. There were tears, of course, because I cry easily and I was just so desperate to hear from God. I was struggling with what to do and how to move forward and I needed clear direction. If 2018 was anything for me, it was the year of finding freedom. September, in particular, was the month where much of that healing finally happened and it left me asking the question, what now?! Now that I was free of lies and finally found the answer to my four-year question of WHO AM I, I just needed to know what to do next.
God was so gracious to answer me gently and He spoke to my heart right there on that closet floor:
Be an artist.
It wasn’t really shocking, this Be An Artist directive. After all, I love creating and decorating and painting and making. I’ve always loved these things. I have even built a business around doing and sharing and teaching my favorite creative endeavors. But that’s not what He said. He didn’t say, DO art. He said BE an artist. As much as I love doing art, teaching art, admiring art, I have never truly identified as an artist. Artistic, sure. Creative, yes. But in a million years I would never introduce myself as Emily, the artist. And I think that was the problem.
Deep, deep down in the truest part of me, I am an artist. I always have been. But instead of living confidently in that, I’ve tried to be other things and pushed the artist part way down. Being an artist felt silly, unimportant, less-than. What really mattered, especially in this online business that I run, was consistency and growth and strategy. And all of that – while super important for running a business – became who I was trying to be and the work I was trying to do and, honestly, it just wasn’t working. Not only was I not good at it, but it was starting to burn me out. I became cynical, tired, uninspired, done.
That’s the thing: when you are not being who you are made to be, it drains the life right out of you.
To be totally fair to the situation, I had my husband and business partner who is very clearly the entrepreneur/growth/strategy person right by my side. I didn’t really need to try to be the business-y person I was trying to be, but I felt like its what everyone wanted from me and expected from me and the right thing to do and I’ll do anything in my power to not disappoint. So I played the part – or at least tried to – and there’s been this gnawing tension that I couldn’t resolve ever since. My answer to this persistent tension, unfortunately, was throw it all away! which is clearly not the right answer. I’m so good at swinging the pendulum far and wide and this was just another example of it. Which lead me to that morning in November, crying on my closet floor asking for God to please, please, please help me figure this thing out.
Be an artist, He said.
It was so clear and concise and I had no desire to ignore or dismiss it. I just wanted to obey. So I pulled out my watercolors and started a new painting.
This is where I’d love to say that my heart was instantly at peace because FINALLY, I was living into my true identity!
But instead, this is what happened:
I was almost finished with the flower bouquet I was painting and stopped for a second to run upstairs. What for I can’t remember but what I do remember is thinking to myself as I climbed the stairs, that painting is terrible. I’m not an artist. I don’t even know what I’m doing. How quickly I had forgotten what God said of me! A few minutes later when I came back downstairs, Ryan was looking at the painting and showered me with compliments. This painting is amazing! How did you do that?!
The contrast was not lost on me.
I could choose to be hard on myself, to compare, set unrealistic expectations and give up OR I could live into the identity God gave me, listen to positive voices from people who love and care about me and just keep trying. This whole ‘renewing your mind’ thing is real, my friends. What voice would I listen to? The one telling me I was terrible? Or the one saying, “this is who you are, now be it.”
I worked a little more on the flower painting and when I shared it, the response was so kind. It helped boost my confidence. I did a couple more paintings in December, but it was a busy month and you know how that goes.
So at the end of the month when this idea popped into my head about doing a daily sketch each day in 2019, it felt like the right next step. It would mean I was walking in obedience to be an artist. It would mean I would be practicing art every day and surely would improve. It would mean I could build up more confidence to create illustrations for the books I will write someday. It would challenge me to look beyond the camera for capturing beauty in the every day and go an extra step to paint it.
And so the daily sketches began.
I’m using the hashtag #thisismydailyart on instagram to categorize the paintings. It always makes me smile when I think about this song I grew up on. This painting practice feels a little like daily bread. It feels like sustenance for my soul that is coming from the Lord. It’s an act of worship, this living into my true identity thing. It’s an act of trust and obedience and while it’s vulnerable and risky, it feels like the very best and most joyful thing I can do.
I am sharing the sketches each day on Instagram partially for accountability and partially because part of being an artist is sharing that art with the world. You can follow along right here.
Those daily posts mean that my Instagram account looks different than it has in the past. From a professional standpoint, that feels terrifying. Anytime you stray even slightly from what you’ve been doing, the chances of losing followers are good. But, I remain sure that this direction for me is right and I’m so grateful for the sweet comments and encouragement I have received since the beginning.
And here’s my encouragement for you:
Trust in who God made you uniquely to be. Then be it.
If you are not quite sure who you are, oh, friend, this is the greatest work you can do. Ask Him, pay attention to your dreams and little girl aspirations, look for what makes you excited, motivated, energized. You will find her. You really will.