One of my best friends asked me how I was doing and my answer surprised me.
I make it a general practice to answer the “how are you?” question with more than “fine”. It feels like we walk around all day answering fine when that’s not really the case. At some point over the last couple of years, I decided I was no longer going to hide behind fine.
Once the produce manager at my little market asked how I was doing and I made the split-second decision to be honest with him. I ended up with teary eyes saying that I was not having a great day and the poor guy didn’t know what to do with me. But I see him often enough and know him just enough to not lie to him with pleasantries.
Anyway, when my friend asked this past week how I was doing, a rumble of emotions fell out of my mouth that I didn’t know were there.
“I feel upside down, somersaulty, unsettled,” I answered.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve spent hours researching and second-guessing and ultimately choosing to homeschool and while we’re good with our decision, it just took a lot out of me to get there.
There’s a subtle grief stirred up with school and sports and events no longer looking how they’ve always looked. It’s not a super big deal, and we know it won’t always be this way (will it?!) but the disappointment is for real.
COVID has everything heightened and confusing and disorienting. Politics feel the same.
We’re tearing up our house to make changes we’ve been planning for years which is very exciting, but it meant moving my office and uprooting routine and while this is all wonderful, it is different and different things make me feel unsettled.
I’m still finding my way with this new way of writing and sharing more of my faith and dealing with the consequences of changing how I present myself and our life online. Disappointing people is my very worst thing and so my insides have been in tension – trusting that this is the work God has for me, however unpopular or vulnerable it might be, even though it is the harder option.
There isn’t anything inherently bad or wrong about any of these. They just leave me feeling topsy-turvey.
I know well enough by now that unsettledness is not a thing to be feared (I talk so much about this in my upcoming book). I know that changes and transitions are held firmly by my God who loves and sees me and is worthy to be trusted. I know that when I feel this angsty feeling of upside-downness, it is just revealing my lack of control and perhaps this is the very best place to be because it leads me back to a surrendered trust in the one who actually does have it all under control.
So if you are feeling as I am – a bit tossed about, somersaulty and dizzy and having a harder time than normal finding your footing – let this truth reorient you:
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
He is our anchor and He will not let go. May we reach out and take hold of this hope.
DELIGHTFUL ENCOURAGEMENT FOR YOUR WEEK
Included each week
- lovely links to good, true and beautiful things to read, listen to and watch
- behind the scenes peeks from the studio
- free phone wallpaper