One of my best friends asked me how I was doing and my answer surprised me.
I make it a general practice to answer the “how are you?” question with more than “fine”. It feels like we walk around all day answering fine when that’s not really the case. At some point over the last couple of years, I decided I was no longer going to hide behind fine.
Once the produce manager at my little market asked how I was doing and I made the split-second decision to be honest with him. I ended up with teary eyes saying that I was not having a great day and the poor guy didn’t know what to do with me. But I see him often enough and know him just enough to not lie to him with pleasantries.
Anyway, when my friend asked this past week how I was doing, a rumble of emotions fell out of my mouth that I didn’t know were there.
“I feel upside down, somersaulty, unsettled,” I answered.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve spent hours researching and second-guessing and ultimately choosing to homeschool and while we’re good with our decision, it just took a lot out of me to get there.
There’s a subtle grief stirred up with school and sports and events no longer looking how they’ve always looked. It’s not a super big deal, and we know it won’t always be this way (will it?!) but the disappointment is for real.
COVID has everything heightened and confusing and disorienting. Politics feel the same.
We’re tearing up our house to make changes we’ve been planning for years which is very exciting, but it meant moving my office and uprooting routine and while this is all wonderful, it is different and different things make me feel unsettled.
I’m still finding my way with this new way of writing and sharing more of my faith and dealing with the consequences of changing how I present myself and our life online. Disappointing people is my very worst thing and so my insides have been in tension – trusting that this is the work God has for me, however unpopular or vulnerable it might be, even though it is the harder option.
There isn’t anything inherently bad or wrong about any of these. They just leave me feeling topsy-turvey.
I know well enough by now that unsettledness is not a thing to be feared (I talk so much about this in my upcoming book). I know that changes and transitions are held firmly by my God who loves and sees me and is worthy to be trusted. I know that when I feel this angsty feeling of upside-downness, it is just revealing my lack of control and perhaps this is the very best place to be because it leads me back to a surrendered trust in the one who actually does have it all under control.
So if you are feeling as I am – a bit tossed about, somersaulty and dizzy and having a harder time than normal finding your footing – let this truth reorient you:
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
He is our anchor and He will not let go. May we reach out and take hold of this hope.
DELIGHTFUL ENCOURAGEMENT FOR YOUR WEEK
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A beautiful reminder in these topsy-turvey times! Thanks so much for sharing.
Such truth in your words! This IS a topsy turvy time! I am glad to hear that I am not the only person feeling unsettled. I am proud at how our Canadian government has worked together with our provinces with strength, compassion and a faith in the science that will keep us safe as we continue to get control over this crazy virus. I pray your country is able to do the same. Thanks for sharing such raw feelings. We are in this together.
I love this! My family is homeschooling for the first time this year as well (ages 8, 5, and 2). I need to be reminded of the truth of this verse. Have you heard of the band Psallos? They put entire books of the Bible to song, and their song for this verse is one of my favorites! It’s on their album Hebrews and is called In the Past Parts 1 and 2. Thank you for sharing. I have loved your emails lately!
I so needed this truth today❤️
I love your honesty and transparency. Can’t wait to get my first newsletter! I’ve loved your website for years but this seems like the best change of all. God is so good!
Same. I’m in an incredibly “out of control” season. I appreciate your transparency. I stumbled across your blog via a google search for home office ideas. I followed the beautiful picture of your office space to your design website, to this personal site. I just read your blog on how you journal and it was inspiring. God uses all sorts of ways to lead us and I feel like He definitely led me to your site. I signed up for your emails and look forward to reading more!
Thank you so much for being the brave one, brave enough to share your thoughts with all of us. I love the way you tell a story and share a verse of scripture.
This is a time of uncertainty and mixed emotions. As a grandmother, I find myself helping with homeschooling and Zoom meetings. The one thing I grabbed right away were my water paints and special water paint paper to get my grandchildren to express themselves on paper. Thank you for taking the time to video record some mini lessons that give us the inspiration to paint.
I’m reading your Freely and Lightly book and I’m in the part about your 4 month trip. Then I wondered…did she start homeschooling after this trip? So I googled it. It looks like maybe you did…and then I saw something you wrote about truth goodness and beauty and hoped you have been blessed to learn about the Charlotte Mason Method. We just switched last year and our entire family has been transformed. So, whether you’re homeschooling or not, I wanted to say that I’m enjoying your book, the watercolor bird book too and I appreciate your honesty. Much love❤️
I’m so glad you are enjoying the book! We homeschooled for one year during the 2020 school year and it was great … but not the best fit for our kids or me 🙂 So glad we did it for that year and I am a big fan of homeschool if it works for your family!